Divergent Parody
by Teampeetafoureva
Summary: Basicly its divergent my way which includes sarcasm and randomness
1. Chapter 1

Tris pov-

I look in the mirror at my reflection I have shoulder length blond hair and grey blue eyes , suddenly my Mother walks in and I turn around and scream at her " get out can't you see im being selfish!' Than my mother says back "fine be that was you dirty toe fungas today is choosing day" 'Thank god i can finally get out of here' i say back.

_**2 hours later_

aaaaaaaaaahhhh the choosing ceremony finally i have been waiting for this my whole life, "There it is boys" I say to my brother, Caleb and my two neighbours Robert and Susan, we walk in and find our seats they call us up name by name and i eventually get sooo bored i almost fall asleep so Susan has to punch me when they call my name because i almost miss it, I get up from my seat and began to walk to the center where 5 bowls stand grey stone for abngation , water for erudite, earth for amity, glass for candor and hot coals for dauntless a man hands mr the knife and i make a cut in my hand it hurts so i beagan to cuss and swear, but i manage to stop for a few moments that i use to pour the blood into the hot coals ,dauntless the brave. I go and sit were the others who have chosen dauntless we wait for another half hour until the choosing ceremony is over somewhere within that time nothing much happend exept my brother Caleb chose erudite though i knew he would he was a good for nothing lazy know it all and im pretty sure that while we sat through the rest of the ceremony somebody farted im pretty sure it was that candor transfer Al because he looked rather embarresd. We are told to go outside and wait by the tracks and someone will meet us there great... i think to myself we get to jump on trains whoo hoo , my sarcastic prediction was true we had to jump on trains but its wasnt that bad i mean only one chick didn't make it ah well i made it and thats what counts when the train slows down i know thats our cue to jump offso i jump and land on my arse owwww i say i get up and make my way to where all the other initiates are standing , thats when i see it a huge hole that im guessing we have to jump into so i push that Max man- women out of the way and jump i don't scream cause i might need my voice for making sarcastic comments later thats when i land on somthing im pretty sure it a ... air matress ok than...


	2. Chapter 2

When I am about to get up from the air matress i see a hand reach out so i do what i was told by my mother and tazer whoever it was than i get up and see that it was a guy who looked about my age and a girl standing next to him laughing her ass off about how she wished all the initiates did that. I feel sorta bad but im not sure why so i apologise by saying "it's ok im sure you will be just fine" that walking away to where i was told to stand. After all the other initates jump we follow the guy i just tazed into the compound than he begains to talk but all i heard was "Blah my name is Four blah blah yadayada pit blah" im get really bored so i decide to start some trouble.. " I'm sure i speak for all of us when i say nobody cares and that we all just want some damn food" Four suddenly looks really mad because all the other initiates nod and mumble words of agreement to my statement about food. So Four say's fine but it's not his problem if we get lost but the way i see it is that as long as i know were my food and bed are i will be just fine.

During lunch I sit with a girl named Christina she seems nice and not bothered by my aqward sarcasm, Thats when i see four about to sit with his friends but they reject him because on wednesdays they were pink but he wasnt wearing pink god can't he follow simple instructions, so he comes over to sit with us i guess we are second best oh well when he sits down i say "why are you such a jerk" he ansers that question "I'm not a jerk i just think your amazing i mean aqward" " ...ok then well im a little weirded out but..." i reply , Than he gets up while singing the Hannah Montana theme song ... he's weird but I like him wait what did i just say... ?

After dinner we head back to the training room where instead of Four a strange beast looking thing emerges from the shadows apparently his name is Eric and he is a dauntless leader, He shoulb be fun to mess with...


	3. Chapter 3

...But before I can do anything he begans yelling , god I like Four alot better atleast he don't spazz out on everything. After this Eric beast quits yelling i decide it's a good time to cause some trouble so when he shows us to the dorm rooms i begain to jump on my bed screaming "Eric is a harry man beast who looks like a dragon and he never stops spazzing" I sing this about 2 times before everyone joins in , Eric looks really mad like so mad he can't even form words haha good he desierves it nobody likes him anyway. Man now I'm in trouble Eric starts yelling at me he says "Why you litle dirty asss wipe how dare you speak to me that way at this rate you will be factionless by tomorrow" so than I do the same thing I did to Four , I taze the little man beast. He passes out and the other intitate help me drag him out the door to the pit where me and Christina apply and upsrud amount of makeup on his face and put a long blond wig on his head than a guy named Peter writes "man beast' across his forehead. We all walk back to the intiates room pick a bed and pass out. In the morning Four comes in to wake us up to be honest it's kinda aqward chaning in front of everyone but i guess if you've got it flaunt it , once we are dressed Four takes us to the traing room we walk in only to find a very pissed off Eric the man beast who still has the makeup on hahah bet he did'nt even notice , so thats when i say "hey man beast you've got a little somthing on your face" the whole room laughs even Four who has about as much emotion as Kristen Stewart im proud of myself. Once the man beast looks in a mirror (im surprised it didn't shatter) and cleand all the makeup off Four tells us we are going to be learning how to fight i get really exited finally a chance to show off my mad ninja skills we all pick a punching bag and practice the lame hits Four tougt us despite what i thought my ninja skills aren't as advanced as i think they are because when Four walks over to me he tells me I'm small and should use my knees and elbows than he gose behinde me puts his hand on my stomach and tell me to keep tension there but instaed of going along with it i do what my mother also told me and blow my rape whistle kick him in between his legs and run away as he falls to the ground in pain he says "let me gues your mother also told you to do that to huh.."


	4. Chapter 4

Once Four recovers from me kicking him and the other initates stop laughing we contine what we were doing before , after about 20 minutes Four calls me out of the room and i follow him ... when we are outside the room he says "why do you always hurt me like when you first got here you tazered me now you kick me and call me a rapist like what the hell" I think about wat he said for a few seconds maybe he is right i mean it was sorta mean of me to kick him and tazer him so i respond "look Four i'm really sorry i tazed you , kicked you and than called you a rapist" than he does somthing I have never seem him do before...he actually smiled huh.. didn't know he was actually capable of somthing like that and well i kinda like it wait wait what did i just think no wayyyy i do not like Four ok... maybe just a little but that dosn't matter.

_Four Pov-_

Oh my god... Tris is so pretty and she is actually talking to me although i don't think she likes me because she tazed me than kicked me in the balls and called me a rapist...mabe thats just her way of saying she likes me hopefully maybe ... I'm so happy Tris actually talked to me i let the initates have the rest of the day off.

_Tris pov-_

For some reason Four lets us go early today thank god beacause Al farted again and he might no think so but we all know it, so as we are walking to dinner i go up to Al and say "Hey Albert quit shitting yourself all the time K " than he runs off crying but if he was gonna be so sensative about it maybe he shouldn't be farting all time ... when we get into the dining hall I see Eric the man beast, he's probobly eating puppy meat, than i see Four sitting all alone because once again he wore the wrong colour i feel sorta bad for him so i go and sit with him "hey" i say "hi Tris" he says back "look maybe you don't want me sitting here with you but I'm not moving because by the looks on everyones faces at the initates table Al farted again god whats with him does he have farting isues or is he trying to gross everyone out" i say to four he laughs than responds "maybe we should get him some fart control medicin but it would probobly just make him more gassy"

_Four pov-_

I can't beleve it Tris is actually sitting with me although we are talking about Al and his farting issues i find it incredaby romantic and its good to know she dosn't like Al or Eric etheir so than i say "you know how you started calling Eric man beast," "yeah" she says "now almost the entire Dauntless compound is calling him that now to." she laughs good she thinks im funny.

_Tris pov-_

After a very funny dinner with Four i head back to the initates dorm put on my pajamas and get ready for bed once I'm in bed and all the other intiates are to we turn out the lights but than i hear it a loud bbbbbbbbbrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaa aaapppppppppp "OH MY GOD AL" i scream he farted again and holy crap it smells like an outhouse barn that farms all the worlds smellist animals eeeeeeeeeewwwwwwww!


	5. Chapter 5

..."Oh my god Al what did you eat" . It's so bad Peter wen t to stab Al witha butter knife but the stench temorarily blinded him so he ended up stabbing Edward in the eye but Edward didn't seem to mind because he was screaming "put me out of my misery" then on her way to the door Christina passed out, thats when i decided it was time go get out of here before i pass out or go blind so run to the door just in time because Al farted again.

So i ran to Fours room leaving a trail of barf behinde me when i get to Fours room i knock on the door when he ansers he say "Oh my god who was barfing in the hallway" i respond " i don't know but its pretty gross" than he asks" why are you here" than i begain to explain how Al farted and Peter went blind and stabbed Edward. He than invites me to in his room so I accept because anything is better than Als fart and my only othe option is Eric the man beast. When we get inside his apartment i notice many pairs of dirty underpats lying aroung and no shortage of garbage, I sit down on a chair by the kitchen table and ask him were i can sleep he says "you can sleep on the bed and i will sleep on the floor" ok sounds good i say.

_Four pov-_

Oh my god Tris is in my room , man i really should have cleaned up oh well I'm so overwelmed that she is actually in my room i can't even breath what should i say ... ummm i love you no that would be really creepy how bout make out with me god know that would be realy danm creepy.

_Tris pov-_

We get ready for bed and I sleep on Fours bed and he sleeps on the floor , he falls asleep before me wait is he talking in his sleep hhhmmmmm i wonder what he's saying so i be extremly quiet and listen "Tris I love you" I hear him say oh dear lord thats sorta creepy oh well i listen to him sleep talk about pointless things for another 15 minutes than i fall asleep to.

_I'm in the initiates dorm again when suddenly i hear a BBBRRRRRAAAPPPP oh my God i know that sound oh no i run towards the door only to find its locked and the scent is begaining to take over i fall to the ground and the last thin i hear is Al laughing ..._

I wake up in Four's bed screaming which also woke four up he asks whats wrong and I describe my nightmare than he hugs me to comfort me and at first i think about tazing him but than i realize he's not a rapist and he's just being nice than i begain to cry because im thiniking about the nighmare ,Four is still hugging me than he says "don't worry I won't let him fart near you ever again" that makes me feel alot better and before i realize it i fall asleep again at 7 im woken up by Four's Hannah Montanna alarm clock...


	6. Chapter 6

_You get the best of both worlds..._

_Tris pov_

I sit up and walk across the room to turn off the alarm clock because I couldn't stand that horrible music anymore, God does he have an obsession with her or something. Anyway I get up and walk to the kitchen where I see Four staring at a picture of me hmmmmm.. where did he get that .. now I'm kinda creeped out. When he see's me he quickly puts the picture in his underpants.. I think I have to leave ,like now.. I grab my stuff but before I reach the door I feel a slight breeze and when I turn around I see Four sniffing my hair... Oh My God! I get so creeped out I pull out my tazer and taze him..This is gonna be a great day..(note my sarcasm)

_Four pov_

When I wake up in the morning I notice Tris is still asleep... Ok I feel like a complete pedophile when I do this but I get up and sit on the bed next to her and touch her hair... wow it's so pretty and blonde. I quickly get up and go to the kitchen and pour myself a bowl of cereal..I bet Tris eats cereal so I pull out the creepy stalker picture I took of her a few days ago and stare at it. Speaking of Tris I see her get out of bed but before I can hide the creepy picture she see it so I do the only thing I can do put it in my underpants...I see her gather her stuff and head for the door and before I can stop myself I'm behinde her sniffing her hair. That's when she pulls out her tazer and tazes me not again...

_Tris pov_

Before he can react I run back to the inatiates dorm and have a shower and change when I get out of the shower and realize everyone else is ready. Thats when I make a horrible discovery ... I will have to see Four again today **Crap**. I head to the cafitera to get something to eat but when I get there I see him sitting at a table with his friends he gets up and walks towards me than he says somthing I thought I would never hear" I'm sorry for being such a creep" and I say "that's fine but I'm not sorry for tazing you". Than before he can respond I walk away and get some food to eat. After we eat i head to the training room thats were we find out we are fighting each other thank god I could use a way to take out my anger on someones face hopefully it's that Peter asshole. and just my luck( but not his) that we are infact partnerd up...


	7. Chapter 7

This should be fun...

Im about to hit him when a waft of hot foot forest like smell comes my way and as I look at Peter with him arms raided in the air I realize, thought I might be a ninja I am no match for his armpit oders but just as Im about to pass out I hear Four say "That's enough Peter put your arms down and for gods sake heres five dollars go buy yourself some deoderant". Than I black out...

_Four p.o.v_

I feel so bad for Tris, being engulfed into the stink cloud that is about to make the rest of the class barf so I call off the fight and give Peter 5 dollars for deoderant, the poor guy needs it Eric seems to be the only one who didn't just about die because he's the only one in the dauntless compound w ho owns a gas mask, lucky bastard. Anyway I realize Tris may need to go to the infermary because she might have gas poisoning , this might be a hard one to explain to the paramedics, So I quickly pick her up and carry her to the infermary, her being so close to me makes me want to smell her hair again but I don't think I need to get tazed not now anyway in front of Eric and all the other initiates that would just be embarassing and besides than I wouldn't be able to show off my Hannah Montanna world tour t-shirt.

Tris pov

when I wake up I'm in a hospital and my only thought was holy shiznet what year is it ! But than I rememberEd what happend and suddenly felt the urge to barf all over the floor But I also remember how Four saved me from Body Oder Peter and I want to find hi. And thank him but first I have to get out of this damn hospital first and that's when I see it, a window, gods gift to escapees, I find a nightstand and push it against the wall, stand on top of it, open the window and climb the hell out just in time too because the nurse just entered the room where I once was hahah dumb chick I almost feel bad for her but ah well her problem now, after about 30 minutes of hopeless wondering I find my way back to the dorms and when I enter I see something mentally scarring Four is violating my bed He is just smelling my. Pillow and I'm really creeped out but when he sees me he scuttles back into the dark corner where Al goes to fart...


	8. Chapter 8

Four scuttles back into the corner ... Where Al goes to fart...

when four reaches the corner he suddenly looks really scared and he fall to the ground most likely from the ruminates of Al's butt fumes, the whole room Bursts out laughing, nobody bothers to help him not even me because when Al farts he never helps us and also cause he's a bit of a Ass during training, always spewing his " do your best" bullcrap.

after a few hours of waiting for Four to wake up and Al still laughing uncontrollably, like seriously it's not even that funny anymore, god can't he just stop shitting himself, we all get tiered and head to bed but in the middle of the night when everyone else is asleep I hear Four wake up, I'm interested to see what he's gonna do so I pretend to be asleep but I keep one eye open, Four walks over to my bed and at first I thought I was caught but hell was I wrong he literally sat down on my bed and started petting my head Christ not again ! I think but I wait to say anything because I want to see that else he will do , so I wait, after about 2 more minutes of hair petting he begins to whisper creepy-ass things like " I love you tris I will always watch you" that's when I decide Thais is enough, I sit up and say " what the hell are you doing Four" when he realizes he's been caught he says " I'm not Four, and this is all just a dream now go back to sleep child don't forget , I love you" and just like that he slithers back into the shadows and out the door, probably back to his cave Of surprisingly attractiveness.


	9. Chapter 9

The next day we ahead to the training room again but when We get there instead of the usual mats set up for fights thewe is a table with guns payed out across it Shit Damnit I suck at this a well at least Al is worse just than Christina comes up next to me and sounds every angry when she says " SHIT. What the hell" but her tone changes into a really sweet one and she finishes her sentence "I love this" and with that she skips away giving man beast the middle finger in her way out. Man Beast gets really mad and falls off his chair where Peter lifts his armS and put them in man beasts face because as everyone knows Man Beasts have no power underneath chairs.

as Man beast struggles on the ground me and the other initates head to the targets with a gun Waiting for further istrunctions but that's when Four comes in smiling like a kindergarten when they are first in line and he says " k today we are using guns I'm to lazy to demonstrate so figure it out" and than he sits down pulls out his IPhone with a bedazzled pink case and starts taking pictures of me God Damn I think can't he just exept the fact that as long as he creeps me I will never go out with him well maybe But that's not the point.

I turn to fire the gun but I miss and so I say " Oh my God Man beast why the hell did you make me mess up" but I'm not sure anyone believes me because. He is still struggling on the ground screaming "Egg rolls" Dear Jesus he is a man beast so I turn and fire again, and again and again missing every time until finally I hit the edge of the target and I start screaming " Hell yes awwwww yeah suck on those eggs you dirty Ass clowns" everyone turns to look and I say " oh my god Four just shut up" Four starts to cry and say " Now she'll never love me" everyone laughs and he dismisses us for lunch sill in tears.

After we all finish eating we still have 10 minutes left until we resume with the guns so I invent a game basically you take an apple and a baseball bat at play baseball with it and seeing as Man beats is still on the floor screaming and Four is out off the room we can't get in trouble so I get a bat from the closet and a apple left over from my lunch and we began I'm first to pitch and Al is batting so I throw a perfect pitch Al hits it but it goes a little of course now normally this wouldn't matter But it matters this I time because at that exact moment Four decided to walk on the room just in time to be hit in the side of the head with the flying apple, knocking him out... This should be fun to explain to the nurse

we all run over to see if he's ok but none of us know what to do so we all pitch in and drag him to the hospital where the nurse asks what happend and I have to explain about the apple baseball she just nods looking slightly freaked out but remains quiet. We are told Four will be out for about 5 more hours and since we all feel really bad we decided to make a big sparkly banner to put up on his room for when he wakes up.

I start outlining the bubble letters while I sent Will and Al out to get some glitter and Christina and Peter to get some Dauntless cake in case our banner. Doesn't work out, just when I finish the last letter on our banner which now reads " Sorry We Almost Killed You With A Flying Apple" in black marker, Edward or as I like to call him Fergilicious walk in with some e balloons and streamers PERFECT I can't believe I didn't think of that after thanking Fergilicious, Peter and Christina walk in holding a Dauntless cake with a picture of Hannah Montanna on ,it I know he will love it they are followed by Al and Will with what looks like half a jar of black glitter for the banner when I ask them why there is only half a jar Al answers Will ate the other half only than do I realize Will has tons of glitter surrounding his mouth. This might be harder Than I thought...


End file.
